White Lines


A “Notice of Job Placement in Nokia” is currently spamming our in-boxes, offering lucrative jobs in IT and “other related professions such as financial management, scientists, technologists and more”.

Curiously, the jobs are based in Lagos and offer a salary of “above 15,000 GBP, Great Britain Pounds per month plus added benefits based on competencies” (sic).

It goes on: “Through our global network of Learning Centers (sic) we aim to offer a consistent standard of training and development to all our people. Degree, Diploma and NTC holders will be considered as well.”

Anyone tempted should send “bonafide references” to “Communication Terminal Group Manager, Engr. Maxwell Maximus” at career.nokia@gmail.com

But don’t expect to ever meet ol’ Maximus in a face-to-face situation: “Due to this impending urgency, no interview shall be conducted and we regret that only candidates that are short-listed will be contacted.”

Well that sounds convincing.

So what’s the con?

My friendly local 419 advanced-fee scam expert tells me any fool gullible enough to respond will probably be asked for all their bank account information and enough personal data to enable the crooks to work out
passwords and log-ins.

So delete any such missive from your in-box and stay well clear – even if you are tempted by a salary range of “above 15,000 Great Britain Pounds per month”.

Website puts the boot in

There’s little sympathy at IT news site theregister.co.uk for Carphone Warehouse salesman Charles Courtier-Dutton, who suffocated in the boot of his BMW last December after climbing in to sleep off the effects of a boozy night out (the coroner’s report was published last week). “A mobile phone salesman, and he doesn’t think of calling someone?” was one acerbic comment.


TAP’s security complex

You think Heathrow is stressful? Pah.

For some real security-induced anxiety, visit The Accessory People’s Chessington HQ. Breaking into the Pentagon would be easier.

Once through CCTV-monitored double-entry locked revolving gates, you’ll need photo ID and be instructed to leave your mobile phone, briefcase and such at reception before being ushered into the inner sanctum.

So what’s with the Colditz culture?

Managing director Steve Isles tells me a TAP employee was once kidnapped and badly beaten, hence the fearsome entrance procedures to prevent undesirables infiltrating the compound.


Dump the dead bunny

Fantastic news for lady environmentalists; Sex toy retailer Love Honey has announced a Rabbit Amnesty. Return your knackered ‘Rampant Rabbit’ vibrator and get a new one for half price. Whoopee – ecogasms galore. Explains Ruth Wilkinson from LoveHoney.co.uk:

“We take the used vibrators to a designated collection facility. Printed circuit boards, which many vibrators feature, contain hazardous metals such as lead, chromium, cadmium and mercury.”

Lead? Chromium? Cadmium? Mercury? Yuck.

It seems a robust session with Mr Rabbit could have dire and unforeseen toxic consequences. Girls, let’s be careful down there.


There’s something fishy going on

Here’s a strange but true story (as told to us by an Orange store manager).

As we all know, the network was started by Hutchison Whampoa. Being a Chinese company, Hutchison was big on Feng Shui. So much so, that Orange UK employed a Feng Shui guru to oversee store refitting.

He insisted on an aquarium in each shop, but there were strict guidelines; there had to be eight fish in the tanks. Also, shops had to keep a spare fish tank with replacement fish. If it wasn’t possible to have eight fish in the tank, the store was instructed to shut for the day.

We can imagine the sign: “Store closed due to fish bereavement.”

When France Telecom acquired Orange about four years ago, the Feng Shui obsession was reviewed and the fish tanks taken away.

Amazingly the roof hasn’t fallen in on any of fish-less Orange shops. Although, judging by the continual problems Orange is having with its Enable online credit and upgrade service, it may be time for Orange to bring back the guppies.