White Lines


Whitehill’s PA Catherine Bracey told ‘all’ in a riveting ‘Confessions of a Secretary’ piece in the Daily Star on Sunday. Readers were treated to an account of the super-human duties she carries out to enable her boss to function like the well-oiled machine he undoubtedly is.

It’s edge-of-the-seat stuff: “When Kyle first joined the company I helped him find a flat near our offices while his wife and kids stayed at the family home in Essex. I chose the curtains, organised the television aerial to be fixed, and even went with him when he chose a bed and carpets [which is nice]”.

Kyle’s busy PA has educational skills as well as bed-picking and aerial talents. “I often go through his children’s homework and print off copies for him to take back home to them” (surely not by using the office photocopier?).

“I’m always searching for things for Kyle, or bartering on his behalf. I tracked down a kilt for him when he had a dinner-dance to go to and wanted to make a nod to his Scottish heritage”. Och aye the noo.

Regrettably, there is no clue if Cath managed to barter for an under-garment for Kyle to wear under his dashing new kilt. But she was on the ball when his car needed new tyres.

“I managed to get him a 20 per cent discount”. Impressive stuff.

Kylo’s Office Goddess is also acquainted with the inside of his mouth. No, really.

“His dentist even knows me now, because I make all of Kyle’s appointments for him.”

And she’s a whiz at helping The Kylester find his way around strange cities:

“Kyle phoned me when he was in Dubai because he wanted to buy his wife a gift and didn’t know where the nearest jeweller was. I went on the internet and found one just up the road from his hotel.”

Well done. But surely Vodafone’s enterprise business unit director should have mastered the mobile internet himself by now?

She’s philosophical about her 9-5 office ‘domestic’ duties: “It’s rather like having two husbands. Kyle is my work husband and I go home every night to my real husband.” Bless.

More please.

Dublin up for a wedding

Congratulations to industry ‘leg end’ Stephen Brewer, who is getting married in Dublin on December 1 to the radiant Yvonne.

Expect a gathering of mobile reprobates and royalty from down the years to be present and accounted for and flinging confetti.

I’m guessing Brewer Buddies such as Charles Dunstone, John Caudwell and Sir Chris Gent will have been sent an invite.

El Steveo met his bride years ago when she was running Eircell’s retail operation and he was the Grand Fromage at the Irish network before it was bought by Vodafone.

Charlie’s Capital credentials

Boris Johnson? Nah. The main candidate who should be kicking Ken Livingstone out of office

in the London mayoral election should be our own mobile megastar Charles Dunstone. It’s official. The Carphone boss is “The Most Influential Business Person In London”.

In the Evening Standard’s list of the 1,000 most influential people in London, Dunstone tops the ‘Business’ section, knocking even Richard Branson into second place.

Surprisingly, Vodafone CEO Arun Sarin is also in the top 10 list of London’s business movers and shakers (even though he lives and works in Berkshire). O2’s main man Peter
Erskine is ranked 17th.

Curiously there is no mention of Peter Jones, whose mug is everywhere with the new series of Dragon’s Den kicking off last week.

But it’s Charlie who is acknowledged as the capital’s main businessman in the only daily London paper you have to pay for. Not bad going for an ex-NEC photocopier salesman.

Vodafone poster is pants

To pee, or not to pee? That was the question the Advertising Standards Authority had to consider when a bunch or humourless kill-joys (aka ‘members of the public’) objected to a Vodafone poster advertising that you could watch YouTube videos on a mobile.

The strapline ‘pee your pants’ did not go down well with some punters, worried that the country would succumb to corruption of its morals by the ‘pee’ word.

Vodafone claimed, “Pee your pants was a common turn of phrase used to describe the act of laughing hard.”

The ASA agreed. I expect when they heard the good news, the Vodafone advertising team pissed their pants.